<![CDATA[Niki Winston - Blog]]>Sat, 30 May 2026 10:53:49 -0500Weebly<![CDATA[Forgiveness: Comparing Biblical Claims and Implications with Research in Modern Psychology]]>Mon, 05 Oct 2020 22:50:58 GMThttps://www.nikiwinston.org/blog/forgiveness_and_psychology
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Defining Forgiveness

Biblical Definition
            In the Bible, Jesus demonstrates the meaning of forgiveness as canceling a debt in the infamous “Lord’s Prayer” when He says, “Forgive our debts as we forgive our debtors” (Matthew 6:12, NKJV). In essence, when someone owes you, forgiveness puts their account back to zero debt. Just as when a financial debt is cleared and nothing is owed any longer, if someone has committed an offense they are thought of as owing a debt, however when forgiveness has taken place, they no longer owe the forgiver (or debtor) anything.
            Another biblical definition for forgiveness can be taken directly from the Greek in the New Testament, aphiémi, defined “to send away, leave alone, permit” (biblehub). This is divorce language in the Bible, referring to a complete disconnection from the thing (offense, person, debt) with which one was originally intimately connected. When one offends another, there is an intimate, negative connection to the offender, but forgiveness separates the offended person from the offense, and hopefully its immaterial consequences.
            When the Bible speaks of the forgiveness of God, terms such as “out of sight,” “cleared of guilt” (Psalm 32:1-2, NLT), “as far as the east is from the west” (Psalm 103:12, NKJV), and forgetting is implied as in Hebrews 8:12 when God is quoted as saying. “…their sins and their lawless deeds I will remember no more” (NKJV). The forgiveness of God is a separation of the person from their transgression, and their Creator and Judge no longer remembers it or holds it against them.
            “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” Romans 5:8 (NKJV). Jesus forgave people before they asked and before they deserved it. Forgiveness was extended and available. All one is required to do is believe in it and receive said forgiveness, by faith. Forgiveness is a decision, and arguably the greatest demonstration of love.
            Proverbs 10:12 tells us that “Hatred stirs old quarrels, but love overlooks insults” (NKJV). Living in a perpetual state of forgiveness and love includes overlooking insults. This is the everyday life of “the believer.” Walking in forgiveness and walking in love is living life according to biblical standards in a way that overlooks the faults, shortcomings and insults of others, as well as forgiving oneself for one’s own shortcomings.
            Collectively, in the Bible, forgiveness is defined as a conscious decision to release someone of the debt that is owed (financial or figurative). It is to release an offender from the consequences of their offense, and to separate oneself from an offense committed against them. It is also to clear them of the guilt or consequences of their sin (or perceived sin/offense).
            Sometimes this debt is only perceived, such as when one has been offended but the offense was either unintentional, or the offender did not actually perform the offense, in the first place or in the way the offended person felt they did. Whether perceived or real, the feeling of offense—and that a debt is owed—is always real, and therefore, the release of the debt by the debtor (forgiveness) is still necessary. This version of forgiveness is also represented in the following examples.

Definition in Modern Psychology
            “Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness” (Berkeley). The dictionary definition agrees with this definition, in addition to referring to the cancelling of a debt. The secular, psychological definition(s) of forgiveness are, for all intents and purposes, the same as the biblical definition. Therefore, the word will be treated as such throughout this paper.
            In a study of forgiveness in psychotherapy, Oxford University Press said that “forgiveness counseling…is a long, hard process of decision-making” (Affinito, 2002). “Stages [of forgiveness] generally consist of acknowledging the offense, deciding to forgive, and responding cognitively, emotionally, and behaviorally (McCullough & Worthington)” (Brown, 2009). Forgiveness, at its best, and most difficult, is a decision.

Receiving forgiveness
            As demonstrated above, there are multiple facets to forgiveness, but two main categories are receiving forgiveness and forgiving others. Receiving forgiveness from God is akin to forgiving oneself, because one must perform that act themselves so they must get to an emotional or mental state where forgiveness can take place within themselves, even if they are receiving it as a free gift earned by Jesus and not of themselves. Receiving forgiveness can also be a precursor to forgiving others, as being forgiven facilitates being able to make the difficult decision to forgive. This is partly because forgiveness has first been demonstrated by another, and partly because it was experienced by the individual who received it.

Forgiving others
            The second category of forgiveness to be treated in this paper is forgiving others. Where receiving forgiveness is essentially forgiveness for the self, forgiving others is a giving act. It is a decision to give that same treatment to another. Interestingly, both can be considered a selfish act, as forgiving others does not necessitate the involvement of nor any communication with the forgiven. It is essentially for the health and well-being of the forgiver. Although the person being forgiven can be informed of such, it is absolutely unnecessary in order for them to be forgiven.

The Correlation Between Being Forgiven and Forgiving Others
            Matthew 6:12, from the Lord’s Prayer says, “And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors” (NKJV). Jesus also says, “And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses” (Mark 11:25, NKJV). Forgiving others allows one to receive forgiveness from God.
Then Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven. Therefore the kingdom of heaven is like a certain king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. And when he had begun to settle accounts, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. But as he was not able to pay, his master commanded that he be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and that payment be made. The servant therefore fell down before him, saying, “Master, have patience with me, and I will pay you all.” Then the master of that servant was moved with compassion, released him, and forgave him the debt.
But that servant went out and found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii; and he laid hands on him and took him by the throat, saying, “Pay me what you owe!” So his fellow servant fell down at his feet and begged him, saying, “Have patience with me, and I will pay you all.” And he would not, but went and threw him into prison till he should pay the debt. So when his fellow servants saw what had been done, they were very grieved, and came and told their master all that had been done. Then his master, after he had called him, said to him, “You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you begged me. Should you not also have had compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had pity on you?” And his master was angry, and delivered him to the torturers until he should pay all that was due to him. (Matthew 18:21-34, NKJV)
            God forgives people a great amount. People are commanded to forgive others. When people do not forgive, life can be very difficult. The forgiveness people are supposed to extend to others should be a reflection of the forgiveness they receive, by faith, from God. We know “faith works by love” (Galatians 5:6, NKJV). Forgiveness is an act of love. If one has no love, their faith does not “work,” therefore, they cannot receive God’s forgiveness, by faith, if they are refusing to forgive others.
Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life.
(1 Timothy 1:15-16, NKJV)
            The ultimate example of forgiveness is found in Luke 23:34 as He hung on the cross, “And Jesus said, ‘Father, forgive them [the ones murdering Him at that moment], for they know not what they do’” (NKJV). Jesus was forgiving the people who were murdering Him, while they were in the midst of the actual murder, humiliating him and yelling awful, degrading things at Him, after having beaten Him. This moment is where forgiveness that can be received by us was being accomplished, while at the same time showing us how we are expected to forgive. In a (Christian) study on the role of forgiveness after childhood sexual abuse, K.R. Morton et al found that “findings suggest forgiveness by God operates primarily through forgiveness of self” (2019).

​The Command to Forgive
            “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another” (John 13:34, NKJV). How did Jesus love people? His entire purpose of coming to earth was to forgive people of their sins and restore their righteousness (right standing or connection with God). Therefore, this is how He is commanding His followers to behave. To forgive others completely, releasing them from any debt owed for their trespasses/sin.

Biblical Claims and Implications Concerning Forgiveness Compared to the Claims of Modern Psychology
            Throughout the Bible, many claims and implications concerning forgiveness (and conversely, “unforgiveness”) are made. Five claims that will be treated here are...
Biblical Claims and Implications Concerning Forgiveness Compared to the Claims of Modern Psychology
            Throughout the Bible, many claims and implications concerning forgiveness (and conversely, “unforgiveness”) are made. Five claims that will be treated here are that: Forgiveness causes peace and freedom; Forgiveness distances/disconnects the forgiver from the sin/offense of the trespasser/offender; Forgiveness causes better health; “Unforgiveness” causes anger and potential vengeance, misconduct and legal issues, possible imprisonment, ultimately causing the “victim” to have a debt to society; And continual forgiveness causes people to be walking in love with others as lifestyle, stronger, more selfless, and thereby abler to help others. Below, each of these claims/implications will be treated and compared to findings in the study of modern psychology. The findings in these portions have all proven to agree with the original theory and thesis of this project.

The Bible Claims/Implies that Forgiveness Causes Peace and Freedom, and Conversely, “Unforgiveness” Causes Unrest/Opposes Peace
      In Psalm 32:2, 5b, we see David, both a king and a prophet of God, say, “Yes, what joy for those whose record the Lord has cleared of guilt, said to myself, ‘I will confess my rebellion to the Lord.’ And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone” (NLT). The implication here is that as soon as forgiveness comes, the torment of guilt leaves. No guilt equals peace.
If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.  To the contrary, if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. (Romans 12:18-21, NKJV)
            The implication in Romans, above, is that living peaceably comes when one decides to release another of the debt that they owe – or forgive them. If one forgives the debt, then treats the other as if they had never sinned against them, they put the revenge in God’s hands, and can therefore experience peace with all. Ephesians 4:31-32 says, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (NKJV). This verse connects “forgiving one another” with the extinction of “bitterness, rage and anger, brawling, slander, and malice,” surely increasing the peace in one’s life by decreasing the negative ruminations.
            Proverbs 15:15 says, “All the days of the oppressed are wretched, but the cheerful heart has a continual feast” (NKJV). Arguably, when one has ought against others or is holding onto an owed “debt,” they are subjecting themselves to a form of oppression, defined as: “a sense of being weighed down in body or mind” (Merriam-Webster, 1989). The connection to the debt arguably weighs one down.

Does Psychology Research agree with the Bible that Forgiveness Causes Peace/Freedom and the Converse?
            In a research article titled, The Bitter Taste of Revenge: Negative Affect, Depression and Anxiety, by Barbara Barcaccia et al, we see that vengeful “behaviours [sic] are likely to be associated, or to lead to, a breaking-up of the relationship, and to retirement and isolation, loneliness, lack of affective resources and subsequent depression (Kuzubova 2015)” (2020). Also, revenge ends in feelings of “fear, anxiety, guilt and sadness” and “…revenge is associated to Negative Affect and that they represent the emotional context in which feelings of depression and anxiety more easily occur” (Barcaccia et al, 2020). “Thus, revenge is associated to…depression and anxiety” (Barcaccia et al, 2020).
            “One of the bitter costs of vengeance is precisely to become the object of countervengeance [sic] (Schumann and Ross 2010) …most people who take revenge end up feeling emotionally worse than individuals who do not (Carlsmith et al. 2008). Moreover, previous studies found an association among revenge, depression and anxiety (Mullet et al. 2005; Orth et al. 2008; Yoshimura 2007)” (Barcaccia et al, 2020). Essentially, the desire to hold the offense against someone and/or take revenge, has a maladaptive effect on emotions – less peace.
            Because forgiveness is the release of that debt, it implies nothing is owed. Vengeance is therefore unnecessary (or at least undesirable). From this we can conclude that forgiveness has a more peaceful effect on emotions than vengeance. Vengeance causes unrest and a lack of peace.
             Sometimes people think they will be more peaceful after a vengeful act, but as scripture shows, this is not true. Barcaccia et al’s research found the same: “Research on revenge has evidenced its role in emotional maladjustment (Barcaccia et al. 2017; Barcaccia et al. 2018b; Carlsmith et al.; McCullough et al. 2001; Ysseldyk et al. 2007), showing that avengers delude themselves into thinking that they will feel better when they have acted, but end up feeling emotionally worse than before” (2020).
            “Our mediational models showed that participants who are more vengeful are also more likely to be anxious and depressed… individuals who tend to be resentful and take revenge are so engrossed by the past that have little energy left to invest into the future, thus leaving them in the pain of resentful and depressive ruminations. Avengers are also more prone to anxiety, because they might continue to worry about the possible negative consequences of their retaliations and tend to think over and over about what happened and what might still happen, ending up in the vicious cycle of anxiety. Our study contributes to confirm that that revenge, far from being sweet, is actually sour” (Barcaccia et al, 2020).
            In addition to depression and anxiety, other researchers have found that “Frequent and intense thoughts of revenge…can hinder the healing process” (Gäbler and Maercker, 2011). Disrupting one’s peace has a negative effect on healing as well, which is essential for one to move on from a problem past. Someone who is “healed” would be considered “whole,” and wholeness is a strong indicator of peace.
            On the contrary, “…forgiveness interventions can bring about positive affective, cognitive and behavioural [sic] changes capable of improving individuals’ well-being and psycho-physical health (Akhtar and Barlow 2018; Freedman and Zarifkar 2016; Macaskill 2005; Menahem and Love 2013; Reed and Enright 2006)” (Barcaccia, 2020). “Results [from research on the effect forgiveness has on self-esteem and well-being] revealed that self-esteem, interpersonal forgiveness and self-forgiveness were all significantly correlated with subjective well-being” (Psychology, 2017).

The Bible Claims/Implies that Forgiveness Distances/Disconnects the Forgiver from the Sin/Offense of the Trespasser/Offender
            God’s forgiveness eliminates punishment, and separates a person from their sin. This implies that until there is forgiveness, one is close to their sin. Also, receiving God’s forgiveness is akin to forgiving oneself. One must be convinced that forgiveness is possible for them to receive (by God, through Jesus).
            Scripture claims (or implies) that once forgiveness has occurred, the forgiver is completely distanced from the offense (the thing for which they were forgiven). This can apply in a few ways, but the two most common are firstly, when a person forgives another for what they have done. It is implied that they are disconnected and the tie that bound them to the problems of that sin/offense are cut. Another way to explain this is if they were “defined” by that sin (ex. a father left a girl and now she has “daddy issues”), but once forgiven, the identity the person had in relation to that sin is no longer an issue (ex. girl forgives father, then she no longer has the same needs that proceeded out of a place of lack in her life).
            A second way this can apply is one is receiving forgiveness (or forgiving oneself) for what they, themselves have done. In this case, there is a personal feeling of release, as the implication is that once forgiveness has taken place for them, they are no longer connected to their offense. They are released (disconnected) from their debt and are free (figuratively) to live as if they have never trespassed. Psalm 32:1 says, “Oh, what joy for those whose disobedience is forgiven, whose sin is put out of sight!” (NLT) And in Psalm 103:10-14 we see:
He has not punished us as we deserve for all our sins, for his mercy toward those who fear and honor him is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth. He has removed our sins as far away from us as the east is from the west. He is like a father to us, tender and sympathetic to those who reverence him. For he knows we are but dust. (The Living Bible)
      1 John 1:8-10 says, “If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar, and His word is not in us” (NKJV). Cleansing from all unrighteousness implies washing one completely free from the consequences of sin, and comes after we receive forgiveness (like a separation from sin).
            Forgiveness releases the hold someone has on you, your life, your mind, and emotions. They can no longer control you (even from afar). It gives you power back (so you can use it where your purpose lies – giving it to God, and/or using your energy for the service of others). When you choose to forgive, you are saying, “I am choosing to no longer be hurting, angry, or bitter about something I can’t control. What I can control is my reaction and I have decided to disconnect from you and release the hold that you have on me, my emotions, and my life!” When forgiveness is given, it is for the forgiver, not the one in need of forgiveness. It also begins the process of wholeness (peace).

​Does Psychology Research agree with the Bible that Forgiveness Distances the Forgiver from the Offense?
            We saw in the section (on peace) “…individuals who tend to be resentful and take revenge are so engrossed by the past that have little energy left to invest into the future, thus leaving them in the pain of resentful and depressive ruminations. Avengers are also more prone to anxiety, because they might continue to worry about the possible negative consequences of their retaliations and tend to think over and over about what happened and what might still happen, ending up in the vicious cycle of anxiety. Our study contributes to confirm that that revenge, far from being sweet, is actually sour” (Barcaccia et al, 2020). Also, “Frequent and intense thoughts of revenge…can hinder the healing process (Gäbler and Maercker 2011).” These terms, “engrossed,” “continue to worry,” “think over and over,” and “frequent and intense thoughts” demonstrate a deep connection to the trespass. However,

The Bible Claims/Implies that Forgiveness Causes Better Health
            Psalm 32:3-5a says, “When I refused to confess my sin, my body wasted away, and I groaned all day long. Day and night your hand of discipline was heavy on me. My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat. Finally, I confessed all my sins to you and stopped trying to hide my guilt” (NLT), and is an excellent example of the claim that releasing all people and ourselves of the debt of trespasses is good for our physical health. Some other scriptures that demonstrate this concept are: “A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones” (Proverbs 17:22, NKJV), and “Give strong drink to him who is perishing, and wine to those who are of heavy hearts” (Proverbs 31:6, NKJV). A heavy heart needs wine, but a joyful heart is like medicine. As we see above, the forgiving heart of a peaceful person contributes to this joy. It could be argued that one cannot have true joy until they have true peace, which is not possible if one is holding trespasses against others.            
            Proverbs also says, “A sound heart is life to the body, but envy (“passion” in another translation) is rottenness to the bones” (14:30, NKJV) and “A cheerful look brings joy to the heart, and good news gives health to the bones” (Proverbs 15:30). Peace in the mind is good for physical health. Not having this same peace “rots the bones” (implies physical ailment). Envy is a form of offense. It says, “I am angry with/about you because you have what I want.” Forgiveness (releasing that person of the perceived debt) of that person would eliminate said envy. Therefore, “unforgiveness” is causing this problem and can have negative physical effects. One story of a healing Jesus performed speaks loudly concerning this implication:
When Jesus saw their faith, He said to the paralytic, “Son, your sins are forgiven you.” And some of the scribes were sitting there and reasoning in their hearts, “Why does this Man speak blasphemies like this? Who can forgive sins but God alone?” But immediately, when Jesus perceived in His spirit that they reasoned thus within themselves, He said to them, “Why do you reason about these things in your hearts? Which is easier, to say to the paralytic, ‘Your sins are forgiven you,’ or to say, ‘Arise, take up your bed and walk’? But that you may know that the Son of Man has power on earth to forgive sins”—He said to the paralytic, “I say to you, arise, take up your bed, and go to your house.” Immediately he arose, took up the bed, and went out in the presence of them all, so that all were amazed and glorified God, saying, “We never saw anything like this!”
(Mark 2:5-12, NKJV)
            The paralytic came to Jesus for healing. Historically, Jesus always healed every person who came to Him for healing, so we know, by history and experience, that Jesus was going to heal him. Jesus told the Pharisees that He only said to the paralytic to arise and take up his bed so they would know He has power on earth to forgive sins. By this we know that He did not originally intend to say that. The “healing” part of the speech was not necessary for the healing act. Thus, Jesus was going to heal the paralytic of his physical ailment, simply by forgiving him. Both receiving and extending forgiveness brings good physical health, even healing.
            A collective statement about this would be from 3 John 2: “Beloved, I pray that you may prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers” (NKJV). If a soul is prospering, it can be argued that the owner of said soul is walking in forgiveness. Forgiveness contributes to a prospering soul, which contributes to prospering in the area of “health.”

Does Psychology Research agree with the Bible that Forgiveness Causes Better Health? 
            Barcaccia et al’s research shows that “…forgiveness interventions can bring about positive affective, cognitive and behavioural [sic] changes capable of improving individuals’ well-being and psycho-physical health (Akhtar and Barlow 2018; Freedman and Zarifkar 2016; Macaskill 2005; Menahem and Love 2013; Reed and Enright 2006)” (2020). This one sentence alone, demonstrates the point that forgiveness affects physical health positively, however other researchers have found the same.
            Both P.E. Brown, and K.A. Lawler found that there were health issues that were relieved as a result of forgiveness. In a 2009 article titled, Forgiveness therapy: A qualitative study of the forgiveness experience of people who have undergone forgiveness as a counseling intervention, P.E. Brown found in their study that “…all participants were motivated in some way to let go of unforgiveness and find freedom from the stress caused by the transgression, and all participants experienced an energy exchange as they tried to navigate a path fraught with obstacles to forgiveness. Participants reported struggling, for example, with anger, rumination, and, in some cases, adverse health responses…” Many subjects in this study “reported that going through the forgiveness process relieved them of various physical ailments. A powerful connection among unforgiveness, forgiveness, stress, coping, and physical health emerged from the findings” (Brown, 2009).
            Lawler et al, in 2005 studied The Unique Effects of Forgiveness on Health, in which “Four measures of forgiveness were all statistically associated with five measures of health (physical symptoms, medications used, sleep quality, fatigue, and somatic complaints).” The “mechanisms or pathways by which forgiveness could lead to fewer physical symptoms were examined: spirituality, social skills, reduction in negative affect, and reduction in stress. All factors either partially or fully mediated the effect of forgiveness on health” (Lawler et al, 2005). There was a “laboratory interview about a time of hurt or betrayal. Heart rate and blood pressure were recorded during a 10 min baseline, the interview and during a recovery period” (Lawler et al, 2005).
            What Brown and Lawler could easily agree on is that “…unforgiveness is stressful…” (Brown, 2009) mentally, emotionally, and physically. All the measures of forgiveness in Lawler et al’s study were “statistically associated with five measures of health (physical symptoms, medications used, sleep quality, fatigue, and somatic complaints)” (2005). In addition, Brown found that “Forgiveness interventions have reduced anger, bitterness, depression, dysfunction, stress, and heart disease (Strelan & Covic, 2006)” (2009). Thus, showing the positive effects forgiveness has on one’s health.
            Forgiveness is associated not only with physical health, but also with being well-adjusted, which has an effect on physical health, through hormone and chemical balances, and more. Revenge has the opposite effect in these areas. In Barcaccia et al’s study, “…participants with higher vengeful behaviours [sic] are more likely to feel Negative Affect and report depressive and anxious symptoms, compared to participants with lower revenge scores. As expected, the relationships among Negative Affect and depressive and anxious symptomatology are all very high…Therefore, interventions aimed at reducing vengeful feelings and ruminations, could be an effective resource for well-being in clinical settings” (2020). They found that “…if a person harbours [sic] a grudge and is unforgiving, the corresponding depressive ruminations may contribute to cardiovascular disease (da Silva et al. 2017)” (2020).             
            In the Journal of Behavioral Medicine, Toussaint et al, performed a study concerning the “forgiveness of God” and connected conditional and unconditional forgiveness to higher and lower risks of mortality. This study “examined multiple types of forgiveness as predictors of mortality and potential psychosocial, spiritual, and health mechanisms of the effects of forgiveness on longevity.” It showed that, for participants, “God's unconditional forgiveness and conditional forgiveness of others initially emerged as statistically significant predictors of mortality risk” (2012). Refusing to forgive could prove to eventually be deadly.

The Bible Claims/Implies that “Unforgiveness” Causes Anger and Potential Vengeance, Misconduct and Legal Issues, Possible Imprisonment, Ultimately Causing the “Victim” to Have a Debt to Society (Thus Needing Forgiveness, so it is Cyclical)
You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder, and whoever murders will be in danger of the judgment.’  But I say to you that whoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment. And whoever says to his brother, ‘Raca!’ shall be in danger of the council. But whoever says, ‘You fool!’ shall be in danger of hell fire. Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. Agree with your adversary quickly, while you are on the way with him, lest your adversary deliver you to the judge, the judge hand you over to the officer, and you be thrown into prison. Assuredly, I say to you, you will by no means get out of there till you have paid the last penny. (Matthew 5:21-26, NKJV)
            Anger, or even an “unforgiven” debt can turn to wicked (or illegal) behavior, changing one’s life for the worst. The verse above speaks of murder in the heart as a type of manifestation of anger (unforgiveness), and demonstrates that forgiveness and/or reconciliation with those who have wronged them is the answer to keeping oneself on the right track, doing the right things, avoiding even legal judgment (and ultimately, possible imprisonment).
If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.  To the contrary, if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. (Romans 12:18-21, NKJV)
            One does not need to seek vengeance. If their faith is in God, they can trust Him to bring justice. This is good for the victim because the desire for vengeance is unhealthy and proves to have a negative effect on mental, emotional, and even physical health. This is often referred to as “rumination” in psychological circles. The desire for vengeance, as demonstrated in the Bible, ultimately results in the manifestation of vengeance, if “left unchecked” (or not forgiven). This “manifestation” is where illegal activity can happen, thus causing the avenger to owe a new debt to society.

​Does Psychology Research agree with the Bible that Unforgiveness Causes a Destructive, Violent Cycle?
            “Avengers delude themselves into thinking that they will feel better when they have acted” (Barcaccia et al, 2020). Victims who want revenge believe “Revenge is… a way to take control over the offender and making [sic] them suffer.” “In the victim’s perspective, it can set the record straight by bridging the imbalance of suffering between offender and victim and by re-establishing a sense of self-worth (Frijda 1994)” (Barcaccia et al, 2020).
            Unfortunately, Barcaccia et al’s research also agrees that these ruminations do result in a physical manifestation of one’s thoughts. “Indeed, individuals who are more revengeful may carry out either aggressive behaviours [sic] toward the transgressor, or resort to avoidance and isolation, following the perception of an interpersonal offence” (2020). If it must be carried out, hopefully, it would manifest in avoidance or isolation as opposed to aggressive behaviors, however, the more desirable action to take would always be forgiveness.
            Ultimately, if people do not behave in the loving way we are instructed to, in the Bible (see next section on selflessness), they can become violent, bringing judgment upon themselves as we saw above in Matthew 5:21-26. Then the cycle of now needing a new debt released is also shown in research: “…in most cases avenging exposes individuals to the risk of being involved in an incessant spiral of aggressions and subsequent retaliations: one of the bitter costs of vengeance is precisely to become the object of countervengeance (Schumann and Ross 2010)” (Barcaccia et al, 2020).

The Bible Claims/Implies that Continual Forgiveness Causes People to be Walking in Love with Others as Lifestyle, Stronger, More Selfless, and thereby Abler to Help Others  
Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. (1 Corinthians. 13:4-7, NKJV)
            The verse above shows that if forgiveness is an act of true love and people who are in continuous forgiving posture are continually walking in love, the conclusion is that those who forgive are more patient, kind, humble, considerate (good manners), selfless, slow to anger, pure in thought, and supportive. They also are not glad when others suffer (even when they deserve it), and they are able to sustain/withstand more problems and pressure, with grace/strength.
            Also, “Love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling on it separates close friends” (Proverbs 17:9, NKJV). A true friend contributes to the well-being of their friends. If dwelling on a fault separates friends (by strife, division and contention), then conversely, forgiving the fault would bring them closer together, arguably causing more help and selflessness between them.

Does Psychology Research agree with the Bible that Forgiveness Causes People to be More Selfless and More of a Benefit to Society?
            As was shown above, “individuals who are more revengeful may carry out either aggressive behaviours [sic] toward the transgressor, or resort to avoidance and isolation, following the perception of an interpersonal offence” (Barcaccia et al, 2020). The opposite must also be true: Individuals who are more forgiving would be less aggressive, and more positively connected to those around them.
            Also, from Brown’s research, we saw that forgiveness reduces “anger, bitterness, depression, dysfunction, [and] stress…and are effective in…increasing…hope and self-esteem (Wade & Goldman, 2006)” (2009). And “People with higher self-esteem are better equipped to help/benefit others. One good reason for this is that with higher self-esteem, they know they have greater value to society, and are, in turn, able to help and benefit others.
            B. Kazoun, who did A multiple case study on the process of forgiveness, found that forgiveness contributes “to better overall physical and emotional wellbeing. Individuals who have suffered a transgression can remain in a place of destructive anger and resentment for years. Long-term, these negative states can have deleterious effects emotionally, physically, and socially” (2018). We have seen the physical/health and emotional (peace) benefits, but there are social benefits as well. People who are thriving socially are arguably a benefit to society. Caring about and taking action to show love, care and concern for others.
            Overall, those with higher levels of self-esteem, satisfaction, hope, and positivity are able to be a greater benefit to society, and as has been conclusively shown, those who forgive have higher levels of all of these traits. Therefore, forgiveness (or having a forgiving approach to life) allows people to be more selfless and a greater benefit to their circle of influence and society as a whole.

Conclusion
            Colossians 3:13 says, “bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do” (NKJV). The Bible asks us to forgive like Jesus forgave. Jesus forgave His killers while they were in the actual act of killing Him. He also came to this earth with the sole purpose of forgiving humanity of even the most heinous crimes. If we are to forgive like Him, then we can literally forgive anything. Does forgiveness mean to restore relationship with our trespassers? No, it does not. But it does mean to release them of the hold they have on one’s life – To say, “I will no longer let what you did (to me) define me.”
            Research in psychology agrees with Jesus’ command to forgive for the same reasons the Bible gives us for forgiveness. The positive consequences are health, happiness, selflessness, peace, and freedom. After research in this area, the claims and implications concerning forgiveness found in the Bible not only agree with modern psychology, but they are essentially undeniable.
            Unfortunately, there is a discrepancy between the forgiveness found in the Bible and forgiveness found in actual Christians. Some people choose to hate in the name of Christianity, condemning those who do not adhere strictly to what they consider “Christian rules.” However, the Bible does not explicitly require “believers” to adhere to any rules in order to be a Christian. Jesus had one new command, and we see it in John 13 “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another” (v. 34, NKJV). Sadly, many who call themselves “Christian” do not follow His one command, but as a great modern Apologist, Doctor Frank Turek said, “We shouldn't judge a religion by its abuse, but by its truths” (Turek, 2020). Those who claim Christianity but do not follow its most important truth (to love) is an abuser of the title and arguably not a real Christian.
            The word “Christian” in the original Greek means “follower of Christ” (Biblehub.com), and Jesus followed up His prior statement commanding his followers to love with this: “By this [loving one another as I have loved you] all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 13:35, NKJV). Love is the identifier for a follower of Christ. Without this love, no one should think or know one is a Christian.
            Concerning the judgmental nature of some Christians, the Bible has this to say: “Judge not, and you shall not be judged. Condemn not, and you shall not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give [judgement, condemnation or forgiveness], and it [judgement, condemnation or forgiveness] will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use [of judgement, condemnation and forgiveness], it will be measured back to you” (Luke 6:37-38, NKJV). We reap what we sow; Hopefully Christians are sowing love and forgiveness as opposed to judgement and condemnation.
            The verse in Luke, above, is immediately preceded by an excellent example of the love and forgiveness that Christians are to display: “But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back [immediately releasing others of their debts owed to you]. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful” (Luke 6:35-36, NKJV). This sums up the biblical claims on forgiveness. Lending without expecting repayment is release/forgiveness of debt. Being kind to the ungrateful and wicked includes forgiving them for being ungrateful and wicked, and then being merciful, which requires forgiveness, makes one like God, thereby making them “children of the Most High." Being children of God implies the same attributes as God, freedom, power, and love, which one has if they live a lifestyle of forgiveness (and implied love). This mercy implies “compassion or forbearance [forgiveness] shown especially to an offender or to one subject to one's power” (Merriam-Webster, 1989). This behavior and lifestyle of forgiveness brings reward to a person. It makes those who forgive, children of God (offspring – behaving like their parent), and the reward comes in the form of a blessed, joyful, and peaceful life, full of healthier relationships, and a healthier mind and body.
 

 

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Sources
Affinito, M. G. (2002). Forgiveness in counseling: Caution, definition, and application. In S. Lamb & J.G. Murphy (Eds.), Before forgiving: Cautionary views of forgiveness in    psychotherapy (pp. 88-111). New York: Oxford University Press.
Barcaccia, B., Salvati, M., Pallini, S. et al. The bitter taste of revenge: Negative affect,          depression and anxiety. Curr Psychol (2020). https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-020-00643-  1
Browne, P. E. (2009). Forgiveness therapy: A qualitative study of the forgiveness experience of       people who have undergone forgiveness as a counseling intervention (Order No.             3352392). Available from ProQuest Central. (305160223). Retrieved from             https://fir.tesu.edu:2128/docview/305160223?accountid=40921
Carlsmith, K. M., Wilson, T. D., & Gilbert, D. T. (2008). The paradoxical consequences of revenge. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 95(6), 1316-1324.           doi:10.1037/a0012165
Christianos. (n.d.). Retrieved July 23, 2020, from https://biblehub.com/greek/5546.htm
Forgiveness Definition: What Is Forgiveness. (n.d.). Retrieved May 13, 2020, from             https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/forgiveness/definition
Holy Bible: New Living Translation. (2015). Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale House.
Kazoun, B. (2018). Individual growth through forgiveness: A multiple case study on the process       of forgiveness (Order No. 10839403). Available from ProQuest Central. (2078988278).     Retrieved from https://fir.tesu.edu:2128/docview/2078988278?accountid=40921
Lawler, K. A., Younger, J. W., Piferi, R. L., Jobe, R. L., Edmondson, K. A., & Jones, W. H.      (2005). The unique effects of forgiveness on health: An exploration of pathways. Journal of Behavioral Medicine, 28(2), 157-67. doi: http://fir.tesu.edu:2074/10.1007/s10865-005-     3665-2
Mercy. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/mercy
Morton, K. R., Tanzini, L., & Lee, J. W. (2019). Adult life satisfaction and the role of             forgiveness after childhood sexual abuse: Evidence from a Seventh‐day Adventist        cohort. Journal for the Scientific Study of Religion, 58(1), 138-152.             doi:http://fir.tesu.edu:2074/10.1111/jssr.12575
(n.d.). Retrieved from https://biblehub.com/lexicon/
Peabody, MA: Hendrickson. The holy bible: King James version. (2014).
Psychology; investigators from anyang normal university report new data on psychology             (mediator roles of interpersonal forgiveness and self-forgiveness between self-esteem and      subjective well-being). (2017, Sep 18). Mental Health Weekly Digest Retrieved from             https://fir.tesu.edu:2128/docview/1938603726?accountid=40921
Strelan, P. (2010). What forgiveness does vs what forgiveness is: A psychological challenge to     traditional conceptualizations of forgiveness. Lutheran Theological Journal, 44(2), 97-         103. Retrieved from https://fir.tesu.edu:2128/docview/747781866?accountid=40921
The New Merriam-Webster dictionary. (1989). Springfield, MA: Merriam-Webster.
Thomas Nelson Inc. (1979). The New King James Bible.
Toussaint, L. L., Owen, A. D., & Cheadle, A. (2012). Forgive to live: Forgiveness, health, and         longevity. Journal of Behavioral Medicine, 35(4), 375-86.             doi:http://fir.tesu.edu:2074/10.1007/s10865-011-9362-4
Turek, F. (2020). Stealing from God. Online Christian Courses. https://crossexamined.org/
]]><![CDATA[Co-Parenting, Children, Authority Figures, Church Folks & More: The Remainder of My Notes that I Didn't Get to from Fearless Conference]]>Sat, 23 Mar 2019 17:24:17 GMThttps://www.nikiwinston.org/blog/co-parenting-children-authority-figures-church-folks-more-the-remainder-of-my-notes-that-i-didnt-get-from-fearless-conferenceI recently spoke at the FEARLESS CONFERENCE for Gracious Women Ministry at Wheaton Christian Church in Wheaton, IL. I was asked to speak on relationships, including but not limited to blended families and finding love again, and I wasn't able to get to a good amount of my notes. I told the ladies that I would put the remainder on my blog so they could come back to it.

We started with a short teaching on love and righteousness and the need for both if we want healthy relationships. We were able to cover friendships, marriage and divorce. Below, please see: co-parenting, finding love again, blended families/step-parents, children, parents, authority figures, and church folks.  

CO-PARENTING
If there are children involved and dad is involved, you will have to co-parent.
Things you may encounter:

Different parenting philosophies. You will almost always have different parenting philosophies. Try to work out these differences, and a plan BEFORE the co-parenting and visits begin.
  • Still hostility? This may be difficult if there is still hostility, but it is EXTREMELY important for the health of your children, so get a mediator if needed. This can be court appointed, someone you hire, or a non-partisan friend or minister that has the best interest of your children in mind.
  • Once you make a plan, be flexible. If one of you wants change, never say no right away: James 1:19 “be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger.”

For those with especially difficult or controlling baby-daddies: Don’t take their threats seriously, don’t threaten & ignore their criticisms. KEEP YOUR COOL. It almost always blows over, especially if they don’t have money for legal counsel.

Love him like a brother in Christ! He’s hurting too (he just shows it differently).
  • He also feels lost, alone, guilty, possibly ashamed.
  • If he’s completely intolerable: pray from a distance (because your children need him to be better), and limit interaction to drop-off, pick-up and only other necessities.
  • Get another person involved to help if needed.

SET BOUNDARIES!! You divorced because boundaries were either not set or not kept. In order for the cycle not to repeat, you must change what you allow – because now you’re in a position to do so.
  • He’s no longer your husband. You’re not his anymore, so he shouldn’t be able (or allowed) to make you feel the same feelings that he used to when you were living with him and under his leadership. He’s no longer your leader.
  • What is acceptable treatment from someone with whom you have no intimate relationship? For example, how do you allow strangers and co-workers to treat you? Start there. Same rules apply with him now. Once you’ve established healthy boundaries, you can begin to develop a better relationship.
  • His opinion about your personal life is no longer valid (unless the relationship is very healthy and whole, and there is no new husband – in which case – perhaps consider reconciliation?)
 
FINDING LOVE AGAIN
There’s no magical formula to finding love again: you don’t need to “deserve it” or be “successful” or have some spiritual, soulical and natural checklist completed...
DO: Be seeking God’s will for your life, always pursuing wholeness, serving others selflessly, and the big one: LEARN LOVE LIKE YOU NEVER HAVE BEFORE!!! Be READY to love SACRIFICIALLY! Then God can send you someone who’s got a great purpose
  • Because how can He trust you with someone else’s purpose/destiny if you can’t love them right?
 Other Important things to Note:
  • Be flexible with your standards & expectations – When I met David, he was a college student working part-time as a trainer at a gym (and I didn’t know who his father was). But look at him now! What if I hadn’t given him a chance?
  • Your love & influence can make or break your husband. Do you think he would’ve gotten to this place of wisdom, understanding, leadership, if I made him feel bad for his faults? Or agreed with him when he thought he wasn’t qualified for his work? Or even didn’t support him by encouraging some changes in order to really accomplish all God has for him to do?
  • When I married this amazing man, I didn’t just marry his destiny. I married his faults, his broken places, and his insecurities, and it is my personal job and mission to fully participate in his development and his God-given destiny, whatever that means.
 
BLENDED FAMILY/STEP PARENTS
If we have children and are married to a man who is their stepfather:

Give him all of the respect due a father concerning your household.
  • Expect him to perform as a father. If he wants you, he must also want your children.
  • Encourage his involvement and respect and implement his ideas as a parent (think of Joseph & how Mary probably treated him).
Before marrying, sit down & discuss parenting philosophies.
  • The one with more experience & training should have more to say and be given more respect.
  • If the other does not give them this respect, it may be indicative of a lack of respect for them or their knowledge in general.
Prerequisite: BOTH should be willing to read, research, seek parent training TOGETHER. This should be a requirement BEFORE heading into the blended family environment.
  • If you are already in a blended family, and this hasn’t happened. It’s not too late. Sit down and discuss on a date night or when the children aren’t around. Come up with a plan, write it down, move forward. This conversation is NOT a suggestion. Don’t wait until it IS too late and there is rebellion in the home because y’all couldn’t get it together.
Be open to stronger discipline. Many single moms are lighter on discipline because of lack of time and energy. A dad being in the house is a great thing, because there are now 2 parents to both LOVE the children and to DISCIPLINE… but be open to different types of discipline (not spanking only). PLEASE research this!
  • This should be part of that parenting philosophy discussion.
Give proper respect due to the biological parent.
  • They have something that child needs and can never be replaced by another person.
  • They should have access to the child unless they are putting them in harm’s way - encourage visitation.
  • Exception clause on respect: When they don’t deserve respect, but aren’t harming the child (according to DCFS standards) – Ex. Inappropriate movies/shows, video games, eating improperly
    1. Set the rules at your home – let them know you expect them to follow your rules at dad’s house. Let dad also know what the rules are. It’s his choice to follow them.
    2. Trust your children to obey.
    3. In MOST cases - not fair to discipline them for what they’ve done there that was not against dad’s rules.
    4. Immoral behavior, however, should ALWAYS be addressed.
If no biological father is present: Make sure dad understands the dynamic and importance of this role. He is the only male influence, and therefore has the entire responsibility of “father” on his shoulders. His actions, good or bad, are showing boys how to be men, and showing girls what to expect from a man.
*The same goes for stepmom if there is no biological mother present.

If you are the stepmom in a blended family:
  • Follow and expect the same guidelines as above.
  • Do your best to respect mom’s rules (bedtime, eating habits, HW, etc.).
  • Love their mother with the love of Christ. Wholeheartedly, and wanting the best for her and her children.
    • If she is incapable of good mothering, still love her this way, while doing everything you can to fill in the gaps (training, love, etc...)
  • Do discipline the children (appropriate consequences to the trespass).
  • Do give them your unconditional love.
  • Be the mom for them while they are in your household, but don’t require that they call you mom (for some children this feels like a betrayal and that resentment from them can get in the way of the relationship and training). THESE ARE YOUR CHILDREN TOO NOW!
 
CHILDREN
I just want to exhort in a few areas that I often see parents stress about unnecessarily:

2 most important jobs as a parent: That they FEEL unconditionally loved EVERY DAY no matter what, and to train them.
  • Almost impossible to effectively train w/o LOVE. For the children, training is of utmost importance, but if they do not feel your unconditional love, proper training that sticks is virtually impossible.
  • Recommend Gary Chapman book, 5 Love Languages of Children.
Your child will go through phases and changes. (Ex. Negativism, annoying stage, independence). One of the big ones: 13-15 years old.
  • Boys: Extreme, impulsive, need constant oversight & discipline. They do grow out of it – It’s not your job to like them right now, but to love & TRAIN them.
  • Girls: Experiencing insecurities (that you may not even understand) - and often a secret. Probe to find out, relate, listen, understand, let them know they are amazing, and continue to provide your unconditional love, focusing value on what matters in life.
  • Don’t be discouraged. Phases pass. Never make them feel like your love is conditional on whether you approve of them or not. That is not God’s way. Romans 5:8 tells us He loved us while we were yet sinners, so much that He sent His own Son to die for us.
Prov. 22:6 If you train them in God’s way, COUPLED with unconditional love (this is implied in the scripture – because “the way that they should go” is the way of love – but not often emphasized), when they are old, they will not depart from it. 2 Things to note about this:
  • It doesn’t say when they are young. It says when they are old. If your child is not there yet, continue to TRAIN and LOVE, and they will turn around. It is a promise from God. Acts 16:31 says that you AND your household will be saved if you believe (and entrust yourself to His keeping AMP – this implies obedience to His Word).
  • THEIR CHRISTIANITY WILL NOT LOOK LIKE YOURS! And you have to be okay with that. If their salvation is secure, take heart and know that God will work out the kinks in THEIR relationship with Him.
Sexuality: Because of current climate, we have to take care in how we teach sexuality to our children. If you come too hard (or without understanding) about sexual identity, they may take that as you being hateful/unloving and rejecting their friends. This can cause them to resent Christianity and not believe.
  • Approach this from the positive perspective of sexual purity, how God intended these relationships & marriage, and anything outside of THAT isn’t pure. Show them what is good. What is not acceptable should be clear from that conversation, but encourage them to ask questions if they are not clear. Don’t get angry or judge. Explain, in love.
  • It’s also a good idea by middle school to talk openly (but privately – 1 child at a time) about sexual confusion and its roots, especially molestation and non-consensual sexual encounters. Sometimes just understanding WHY you feel what you feel can set you free from it. 
  • Many children have experienced unwanted sexual encounters and experience such shame from it (especially from the arousal) that they don’t tell. But it can cause unwanted exploration and sexual confusion if left unaddressed. DON’T IGNORE THIS TOPIC WITH YOUR CHILDREN.
 
PARENTS
Ephesians 6:2-3 “Honor your father and mother,” which is the first commandment with promise: 3 “that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.”
This is a beautiful promise! Hold onto it tightly! (NT scripture verifies that it’s still valid under the New Covenant)
If you are a child v. 1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.
  1. If you are out of your parents’ home: Honor. Not obey.
  2. Children, obey.
  3. Adults in the home: Honor, by respecting their wishes and house rules (which is basically choosing obedience - submission). It will ultimately bless YOU (and keep you from getting kicked out).
 
AUTHORITY FIGURES
Ephesians 6:5-8 Bondservants, be obedient to those who are your masters according to the flesh, with fear and trembling, in sincerity of heart, as to Christ; 6 not with eye service, as men-pleasers, but as bondservants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart, 7 with goodwill doing service, as to the Lord, and not to men, 8 knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord, whether he is a slave or free.

​1 Tim. 6:1 Let as many bondservants as are under the yoke count their own masters worthy of all honor, so that the name of God and His doctrine may not be blasphemed.

Honor them. Do what they asked, because they asked. Not because they deserve your respect (and not in fear and trembling of THEM), but because of a reverent and worshipful fear of the Lord. Because God asked you to. Because you love God and honor HIM, so you’ll bless and glorify His name. And do it with a happy heart that is a BLESSING to your boss, ministry leader, whatever authority figure you’re serving – lose the ‘tude and do all things in love and honor as unto the Lord.
 
CHURCH FOLKS (Ugh…church folks…right? No! Wrong!)
1 Cor. 12:27 says we’re the body of Christ. . If Jesus is the head, what is the church? His body. Jesus’ body is still Jesus.
  • If you aren’t loving those in the Church properly – even the least & the unlovable – you aren’t loving Jesus right.
But what if they’re against you?
Luke 6:35-36 But love your enemies, do good, and lend, [a]hoping for nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High. For He is kind to the unthankful and evil. 36 Therefore be merciful, just as your Father also is merciful.
​
Apply that to HATERS also, in and out of the Church…
v. 37-38 “Judge not, and you shall not be judged. Condemn not, and you shall not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. 38 Give, and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you.”

This is for all relationships: In and out of the church, friends, enemies, marriage, even with our children, and parents.
  • We reap what we sow!

Let’s keep reading, this time back to our brothers and sisters in Christ:
v. 41-42 And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not perceive the plank in your own eye? 42 Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me remove the speck that is in your eye,’ when you yourself do not see the plank that is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck that is in your brother’s eye.
 
LOVING WELL OUR BROTHERS IN CHRIST:
Everyone is in some stage of their Christian development. When we concern ourselves with our own (planks), we can get to the levels where we see that our Christianity is no longer about us, but about others. What is it that they need? How can I love and serve them? Then we see that Christian relationship is not about judgement or pointing out the flaws of others. It’s about lifting others higher, about loving discipleship, and helping to restore them to a position of righteousness and wholeness in Christ.]]><![CDATA[Biblical Truths Concerning Divorce and Remarriage]]>Mon, 15 Jan 2018 17:28:18 GMThttps://www.nikiwinston.org/blog/biblical-truths-concerning-divorce-and-remarriage
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The following is my personal research on what the Bible really says about divorce and remarriage. In the body of Christ, we unfortunately have many divorced brothers and sisters, and even Pastors and other leaders in the church. At first glance, the scriptures seem to condemn divorce, and even accuse the remarried Christian of the greater sin of adultery. As a body, we ignore it because it’s so common, all the while knowing, subconsciously, what we’ve read about it in the gospels and 1 Corinthians. In my research, I have found that divorcing your spouse and marrying another is not adultery, nor is divorce prohibited by Jesus, as many Christians believe from their reading of the Bible. Through proper translation, background and interpretation, I seek to educate readers on the biblical truths concerning divorce and remarriage.

BACKGROUND - MY PERSONAL STORY
When I met my wonderful husband, I was a divorcee with two beautiful boys. Without going into great detail, I will say that my first marriage was very rough. I entered into it at 19 years old, thinking I was marrying a man of God, and over four years later I was a shell of a woman with two children to care for. I genuinely felt like I was rescued from that marriage (by God) and countless experiences have confirmed to me that I did the right thing by ending it. About four more years passed and I met David – a truly wonderful person and a man who seeks to love me as Christ loves the Church. What is even more important is that we both agreed early on that our relationship was to glorify God and raise the standard for godly relationships. As stated in our Relationship Mission Statement (which we created four months into the relationship), the number one reason we wanted to be married was to “be a more powerful force for the Kingdom of God!” Time after time our relationship has been confirmed and affirmed, by God, by others, and by the fruit it has produced. That’s why when I was confronted with this issue, head on, I had a problem with it. Something wasn’t right. I NEEDED to do further study.

The Confrontation
          Several years into my marriage to David, I felt God leading me to teach women, single and married, how to be better wives. For an entire year, I had monthly meetings with a group of ladies (all ages), teaching from and further developing a curriculum that I had created. Much of this was from the difficult lessons I learned, striving to be my best in my first marriage, but more was from the grace and revelation that God had given me to be a great wife to David.
I credit my husband’s unwavering positive confession that he’s spoken over me since the beginning, always referring to me as an AMAZING wife, and giving me the space to grow without scorn or judgement. His pure love is powerful, and it has freed me to be able to receive revelation from God on this topic. At the end of a year, God led me again: This time to write the book, How to Win Him and Keep Him Happy: Secrets to Becoming an Amazing Wife. A website, some social media outlets, and speaking engagements were, of course, to follow, but what was of significance to this particular research was a video I posted online about “Healing and Remarriage.” For the next detail, it’s important to mention that I am a minister, and everything I am mentioning here is from a Christian perspective.
          The public may comment on most YouTube videos and since mine focused on the healing I received from the Lord, mine were getting a lot of comments from the Christian community. Most were very positive and appreciative, but two comments in particular were of concern. One very “helpful” person laid out for me, in detail, the only ways in which I was allowed to be divorced or remarried, and let me know that if my marriage did not fall into one of these categories, I was essentially committing adultery with my husband. Another cut straight to the point and told me I was going to hell. Of course I dismissed the latter because they obviously did not have a revelation of the saving and sanctifying grace of God. That “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from ALL unrighteousness.”[1]  The former, however, was the catalyst to my research.
I can no longer find their comment, but they quoted one of the synoptic gospels, which, as it pertains to my research, are all very similar. “But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.”[2] Woah. Now I had remembered skimming this in the past, and perhaps even consciously saying to myself, “Well, it’s covered in the blood. I’ve repented for any wrongdoing in my previous marriage and situation.” But now I was a marriage author, and presenting myself as an authority on the topic. While qualified to teach what I was teaching, and possessing special revelation for marriage and wifehood, I STILL needed an answer for this, because no-doubt it would come up again. This accusation against me was just a catalyst to search deeper.
          But my heart didn’t convict me. I was so sure that I was in the center of God’s will in my marriage and that I was exactly where I needed to be in life’s journey – my destiny, which INCLUDED my husband – that I knew there was no way that God would have me in a situation that was causing myself or my husband to perpetually commit adultery! This, I believe, is where your faith and your intimacy with God is tested. When you have an intimate relationship with God and know His nature, you will differentiate from His voice and someone else’s. “My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. But they will never follow a stranger; in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger’s voice.”[3] I “ran away” from the input of this stranger (as opposed to running away from God, thinking He’s condemning me), because I know the character of my God so well. I know Him as a loving and merciful God, and He would never trick me or lead me astray. I read these words about divorce in my Bible, but I couldn’t connect them with my wonderful, merciful Lord, so I decided to seek more information. And what I found out was very interesting…
 
Seeking Help
          Because I believe in honoring your elders and their wisdom, I first went to the highly respected, Pastor Daryl Barnett, that used to serve as a Pastor in our church. His revelation on marriage may be unmatched. It is known that he dedicates much of his study time on this topic, and he is widely respected on the matter. I messaged him, explaining my quandary, and he responded with, “Sure I can help, just give me a call. You’re in the clear!” I was glad to hear that and that my instincts were correct. During the call, he explained some things about translation, God’s will for His people, and how ministers never seem to want to study this issue out entirely, by going back to the original Greek and Hebrew for answers. This laid the foundation for my research and motivated me to study more, and when I got the chance to research this for a paper, I jumped on it!

​The Common Argument
          Currently, most English versions of the Bible translate the few verses we find concerning the dissolution of marriage in the New Testament similarly. Texts on this topic are found in Matthew, Mark, Luke, and 1 Corinthians – Not in John. Matthew and John are the only two of the gospel writers who were part of the first twelve disciples, and therefore the only two that would have been present when Jesus was speaking on the matter. Based on these facts, and because there is nothing concerning this in John, we will be treating only the text found in Matthew. In the interest of brevity, I will not be addressing 1 Corinthians, but I invite you to take an additional look at it after reading my research, as well as Mark 10:2-12 (which only adds a sentence about the disciples asking Jesus about what He said), Luke 16:18, and Matthew 5:31-32 at your leisure, and you will find that everything I show you here lines up with these scriptures as well, including any original Greek translation. We will first take a look at the scripture (Matt. 19:3-9), in the most common English translation, as this is the starting point from which I will assume most of us are familiar.

***This is the beginning of a mini-book. There was too much content for a blog post. For the rest of this FREE content (& all of the research), click button below. 

**When finished reading in its entirety, please comment below and share if helpful!​
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[1] 1 John 1:9 (English Standard Version).

[2] Matthew 5:32 (English Standard Version).

[3] John 10:27 (English Standard Version).

Download "Biblical Truths Concerning Divorce and Remarriage" Now, for FREE
]]><![CDATA[How to Easily Romance Your Wife]]>Fri, 21 Apr 2017 19:53:33 GMThttps://www.nikiwinston.org/blog/how-to-easily-romance-your-wife
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​MEN! Want to easily romance your wife (or your "lady")? It EASY! Read on for
THE #1 KEY TO EASILY ROMANCING YOUR WIFE. 

Be considerate. That's it. It seems so simple, right? It really is, however it may be a bit more complicated than you're thinking. There is more than meets the eye with being considerate.

Let's start with 2 things that "considerate" is NOT:

1. Being considerate is not the same as "caring." Caring, although important, is really just concern - which does often result in action - about another. For example, someone can care endlessly about how another is doing after the loss of a loved one, but if they wanted space and alone time to grieve and the "caring" person insisted on spending the whole day with them, this wouldn't be very considerate, now would it? A considerate AND caring person would want to give the friend what ever it is that THEY need for their process, whether it be space, time, or company - not just what THEY think the recipient should have, but what that person wants and needs for their own unique personality and situation. 

...Which brings me to my next point...

2. Being considerate is NOT doing "unto others what you would want them to do to you." Now, you could argue that it is, in the way that you would want to TREAT them as you would want to be treated (because you would want to be treated with what I like to call "considerosity"). But specifically what you would want to be DONE unto you, is unique to YOU. If you are CONSIDERATE, you are always finding out what the other needs/wants and trying to meet THEIR need (within reason, of course). 

So you want to romance the most important person in your life? BE CONSIDERATE TO HER. Do what SHE WANTS, treat her how SHE LIKES, complete the tasks that SHE HAS ASKED FOR, take her to places & events that SHE WANTS TO GO TO, and even talk about the subjects that SHE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT. 

Not sure exactly what she wants? ASK HER. She will love it, because it will make her feel important, valued, and loved! And be ready to stifle any critical reaction or judgement when she tells you what it is she wants/likes, because chances are, you won't agree. Remember, this is not about you or your opinions. This is about HER. Romancing her is as easy as selflessly just giving her what she's asked for. It's not rocket science, but it does take a bit of effort. 

To avoid having your efforts criticized (and consequently feeling like the whole act was futile), try this: before you complete the task that she was asking you to do, ask her HOW SHE WANTS IT DONE. I don't believe in a "point system" for love, but if I did, this would earn HUGE POINTS for you! How would you do this? Shoot her a text and say, "Hey when I come home from work today I planned on hanging that picture you had asked me to hang for you. Is there any particular way you'd like this done?" Not only are you setting an expectation that you will be completing a task that's important to her, but you've created anticipation, AND shown her that you love and respect her enough to ask HOW. 

Another example of asking HOW she wants it is if you're planning a date she's been asking for. You might say, "I know you've been wanting me to plan a date for us, and I'm about to start. I don't want to give away all the juicy details, but is there anything in particular that you've been wanting to do? I know you mentioned a tour… Were you thinking of a Segway tour? Or a particular type? I've seen architectural tours and even cupcake tours. I want to do what YOU want to do!" 

Now she's excited - and it's because YOU'RE... SO... CONSIDERATE...! 

THIS is ROMANCE... and it's EASY!
]]><![CDATA[How to Get All of God]]>Thu, 19 Jan 2017 19:31:50 GMThttps://www.nikiwinston.org/blog/how-to-get-all-of-godPicture
So many of us want all of the promises of God - the healing, the peace, the prospering life, soul and finances, the wholeness and feeling of fulfillment & satisfaction (that we see others have), the power - but we are not seeing it in our lives.

We are tempted to ask God "Why?"

But God says, "How can I give you all of Me, when you're not giving Me all of YOU?"

The more of you that you give God, the more He can act in your life. You need to "fit" Him, and there's only so much space available. In order to make room for one thing (God) you must give up another ("doing you"). Give him every crack and crevice like the pieces of a puzzle: if you start removing pieces that are there, there are spaces left.

We often only make the spaces for God that we want Him to have, but God wants ALL of your pieces - He wants the whole puzzle board. He wants the good stuff, the ministry, the love and forgiveness, but He also wants the hurt and pain, the insecurities (especially the insecurities), the difficult situations, the easy ones, your finances, your choices - for school, career, relationships, even meal choices for some of us!

Don't hold out on God. Give Him all the parts of you - hidden and exposed, and watch those things that you've prayed for Him to handle for you be taken care of, fall off, or flourish (whatever is the appropriate need).

He is God. Trust Him fully and completely. And when you feel your faith wavering, remind yourself (and Him) by saying (out loud), "I trust You, Lord." It's that simple. Romans 10 tells us that faith comes by HEARING... If we want to build our faith to trust God, then hear yourself tell yourself that you do. Only when we fully trust God can we truly give Him our all.

So... you want ALL of God? Then give Him ALL of YOU.

Jeremiah 29:11-14
Psalm 139 (the WHOLE thing!)
Take me to Niki's book page
]]><![CDATA[How to Respond When People Talk About Your Spouse]]>Sun, 01 Jan 2017 18:12:45 GMThttps://www.nikiwinston.org/blog/how-to-respond-when-people-talk-about-your-spouse

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​So many of you have seen the video of my husband speaking on forgiveness, and talking about how we had recently found out that some folks were talking about us - especially me. ?

​I admit: it was hard. But my hubby came through for me with such great encouragement that I couldn't keep it to myself. I asked him permission to copy and paste, then post the text messages he sent to me on my blog. I wanted them to serve as an awesome example of how a godly spouse responds with encouragement when someone has been talking about their husband/wife. Of course he said yes!

I have broken up each individual text message so you can see exactly how his texts came through to my phone - this was so much life to me!? ? This is what the Bible means when it says that husbands are to wash their wives with water by the word (of God). Eph. 5:26.

See below for personal, private texts from my hubby, and an awesome example of spousal support...
*****

Hey boo I just want to let you know that you are the BEST woman that I know. Astoundingly loving, amazingly positive, breathtakingly beautiful, and so pure in heart ❤️
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That's the way I see you and many others see you. You are an amazing wife and a virtuous woman! You always have been, and you will continue to be. The enemy wants to poison you with the wrong opinions of a few. But you know who you are, I know who you are, and hundreds more know who you are. Many women and young ladies have said to me on multiple occasions, "I want to be like your wife."

YOU ARE GODLY! And that is the light of Christ. That's what you have. It draws people, and then you show them who God is. That's what I love about you. You have challenged me in our ten years just by being so good-hearted and loving no matter what. That's what JESUS was like.
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Some people want you to become what you were not meant to be. But I like what I see from you because you are EVERYTHING that God meant for you to be. I am honored to call you my wife! You amaze me every day. I love your heart and I love you!
???
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YOU ARE B E A U T I F U L!!
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I love you!!! As we grow and our reach grows, it's important to remind ourselves of who we were. And that is the same person we still are. Just wiser and more patient lol. It's challenging not to let the opinions of others (good or bad) change us. Too much of the good and that could lead to the temptation of pride. I'm glad that we are challenged with these things so we can take a clear look at ourselves and make sure that we are everything that God wants us to be.

Some people don't like spinach. Some don't like cake. In 2017, I’m telling people, "I f I'm not your flavor, you don't have to choose me. Just keep it movin!"

*Mic drop* ?
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I'm seeing now, because you are an amazing wife, and you claim to be as well, the enemy is going to come after your confession... he wants you to stop saying it, and stop believing it.
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We have to say daily over you

You are an amazing, godly and virtuous woman and wife!
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I just got a revelation!

If the enemy can't get you to do wrong, he will make up stories about wrongdoing and put you in it!

Just look at Joseph and how he was accused of sleeping with Photip. wife. That was actually a testament to his integrity. The devil couldn't get him to do wrong so he made up wrongdoing. And the scripture actually says that she tried to come on to him over and over and he kept denying. So finally she made something up. WOW...that will preach.
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Gen. 39:10
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And it says that Joseph was handsome and attractive.
]]><![CDATA[Letting Him Off the Hook]]>Fri, 04 Nov 2016 21:48:21 GMThttps://www.nikiwinston.org/blog/letting-him-off-the-hook
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You wouldn’t believe the number of complaints I get from women about their husbands, for being normal, faulted human beings. Many times we are willing to accept imperfections and faults, even sins, from our spouse, but not if they’re ones that we don’t identify with, ourselves.  

The philosophy might look like, “Of course my husband is not going to be perfect! I’m aware of that. He just can never lie to me.” Well, what if lying is the sin he struggles with? What if it’s the weakness he faces? You may think it’s okay to gossip and say negative things about other people, and would actually be just fine with him doing the same, but his lies are unacceptable? Is one sin greater than the next? This is a powerful concept, because it not only makes us take a look at ourselves, and our own ways, but it causes us to have to accept the very different faults of others.

It is biblical for us, as the body of Christ, to strengthen one another if we are weak or if we fall. I have had numerous women come to me about their husband’s lies. They are fed up and don’t want to deal with it anymore, but I ask, “have you considered the cause?” In the beginning of the marriage, what kind of consequences did they face when they mustered the courage to “fess up” to the truth? Were they punished for the truth, and then repeatedly punished until they were literally trained to lie? Or perhaps it was their childhood. When they got in trouble for doing the wrong thing, was the consequence abusive or unbearable for them? Now don’t misunderstand me. Lying is absolutely not okay, and this behavior should be corrected, but these are things that we should know about our significant other. If a lie keeps one safe, they are more likely to do it. The definition of this “safety” can be different for different people, based on their greatest emotional needs. Safety for one man is acceptance and approval. For another, it might be a peaceful home and family life. Each and every one of us are so different, but we need to be willing to understand and accept our differences, and continue to respect each other as men and women of God, despite our many flaws.

Lying is just one example of a flaw or weakness that you may not directly identify with, but I can promise you, there are many others, you may encounter throughout your marriage. To name a few, there’s also laziness, impatience, harshness (or rough speaking), the tendency to be late, overly critical, judgmental, a workaholic, and even not caring enough about his appearance can really irk some women. This is where the relationship and what is expected of you can get complicated. However, if you can catch the revelation of love, and master it, you can have a healthy, biblical, thriving marriage.

This is especially key for women, because we are awesome. Because of our awesomeness, we can tend to be a bit harder on our men. However, if you can use this God-given power of awesomeness to give you the strength to put the following principles into action, you will be able to respect your man appropriately and cover him with God’s perfect love.
Want to learn the principles right away? Buy the Kindle version here!
]]><![CDATA[I'm Done With Halloween... So Now What?]]>Wed, 26 Oct 2016 22:34:24 GMThttps://www.nikiwinston.org/blog/halloween-schmalloween
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PHASE 1: The Paradigm Shift

Just like so many parents, when I look at my children I want so much for them to be happy. It’s inherent, it’s a God-given desire, and it’s healthy. That feeling of desiring happiness for my babies, however, is trumped for my burning desire to raise them to be godly men and women for the Lord. Halloween, and many other of our western culture’s traditions can get tricky.  That’s why we should treat them with sensitivity and care. If you’ve read the article, by David N. Taylor (linked below) about the origins of Halloween (if you haven’t, you SHOULD. Really… Go now. It’s much more important than what I have to say), you probably immediately wanted to take a strong stance against Halloween. As a matter of fact, I remember when our boys were 8 & 9 years old and we gave them the article to read for themselves. It was the first year I personally had been enlightened about Halloween’s origin, and was honestly concerned about the reaction my own boys would have after finding out that we were no longer going to observe the holiday. I only hoped that they would understand so this would feel more like a "family stand," rather than some kind of "surprise discipline." After finishing reading the article, my second son (8 years old at the time), blown away by what he had just ingested, looked up from his paper, and slowly and dramatically said, “Why… would ANYONE…celebrate… Halloween?” My husband and I breathed a huge sigh of relief as a new season seemed to sweep the atmosphere. We no longer participated in Halloween, and it was an enthusiastic decision for the whole family. Now don’t misunderstand: If our children hadn’t come to the right conclusion themselves, we would’ve done it for them, but it would’ve been more difficult, and a bit bitter. We are so thankful to God that He had prepared their hearts to receive the revelation that Halloween is literally and boldly celebrating death, satan and all that is evil.

PHASE 2: What now?

So now what? Do we stay inside our house, turn off all the lights, and hide from the trick-or-treaters, hoping not to get egged? Do we leave treats outside in a bowl to appease the tricksters, while refusing to encourage and affirm their own celebrating? What do we do? We began a family tradition. I personally can’t see why every other child in school should be able to have candy in their lunch at school, but ours are left without, because of their strong Christian beliefs. Every October 31st, our children get candy, and they get plenty. We usually do a candy hunt throughout the house (and perhaps outside, weather permitting), but occasionally we might do something a bit more creative. Secondly, I believe in FUN. Instead of locking ourselves inside of our house, we go bowling! We have a great family time! We leave just in time to miss the first trick-or-treaters, and then return after the last ones are finished. They bring a couple handfuls of candy, and after they eat dinner (at the bowling alley), they enjoy their candy. Every year our children look forward to bowling. I remember last year, my second oldest was asking me about our bowling weeks ahead of time. It’s a family tradition, and we all look forward to it… Just like they used to look forward to trick-or-treating!

Perhaps your family may choose something different. Some great resources are: Groupon - They have an array of family friendly activities that you can enjoy at deeply discounted prices, and usually sell their tickets in multiples; also, those coupon books that you can usually buy from school fundraisers often have coupons to lots of fun places like museums, Legoland, and other family attractions.

But does this glorify God? Absolutely! We are a ministry family and a lot of our time is spent ministering to and being a blessing to other people and families, but we are very aware that our FIRST ministry is our family. Our children are the most important souls to me, and my husband and I are very careful to breed in them a desire for the things of God, as opposed to resentment for them. I don’t want my children to feel that because they love the Lord, they are "left out of all the fun." That’s why it is important for children and youth to see and experience godly fun (If you have children, ages 13-19, you can check out our events page on our youth ministry website: www.gohardforchrist.com). We create our own fun, and as a result, our children have a good taste in their mouth for the things of God. As we minister to our own family on October 31st, OUR family is glorifying God.

You may want to take a more active approach, however. The Word tells us to be a light to others, and this may be just the day for your family to take a perfect opportunity! Perhaps you would like to answer your door, give out candy with tracks or stickers attached, inviting them to a church, a Christian website, or even to say the prayer of salvation. Some families offer prayer with their candy, and win souls to Christ just because they DID answer the door on that night. What an awesome way to glorify God and demonstrate His power on a night that is traditionally dedicated to evil! If you want to show the devil that he has LOST the battle, get folks healed and saved on “Halloween.” Another approach, instead of a traditional party, might be a service day: Invite a group of children or youth to meet at a designated spot. Make sure you have plenty of adult chaperones, and then (preferably while it is still daylight), perform a service to the community. Clean up a neighborhood, pick up trash, help the elderly, even do some yard work, and don’t forget to offer prayer and salvation to those you run into along the way… Then, when all is finished, have everyone meet for hot cocoa or cider and doughnuts.  Make sure to send them home with candy. You blessed others while being a light and showing young people what life is really about: loving your neighbor as yourself (Mk. 12:31).

PHASE 3: The Reward
​
God sees that you are sacrificing for Him. He knew it wouldn’t always be easy to go against the grain. That’s why he felt it necessary to include Rom. 12:2 in His Word: He tells us NOT to be conformed to this World. He is proud and pleased at your decision to prove what is "...that good, acceptable and perfect will of God.” There is reward for obedience. It is the key to your blessing. When you obey God and His Word, you unlock His blessing in your life (Deut. 28:1-14). So get blessed: Say “Halloween, Schmalloween!”
Read an article on the History and Origin of Halloween
]]><![CDATA[Brangelina – How to Know if My Man Will Cheat]]>Tue, 18 Oct 2016 02:35:59 GMThttps://www.nikiwinston.org/blog/brangelina-how-to-know-if-my-man-will-cheat
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Everyone gasped in horror at the news that Brad cheated on Angelina. “How could he? She’s so beautiful!” “Oh. I loved them. I’m so sad!” “How can I continue to believe in love when my FAVORITE couple has been torn apart?!” We loved Brangelina. We wanted them to work. We even loved the common bond they shared through their many children, biological and adopted (which made it even more beautiful).

But he cheated.

How was she to know he’d cheat? “Wait! If Brad would cheat on Angelina, would my man cheat on me? How will I know if my man is going to cheat?”

Truth is, you can’t know.
​
But there are some things you can do:

1. Don’t marry a cheater. If your man (or woman) has never been with a person they didn’t cheat on, guess what: They’ve got a heart problem. I remember when Eric Benet cheated on Halle Berry, and NO ONE could believe it! “How could he cheat on one of the most beautiful women in the world?” I remember a co-worker of mine and I were marveling at this idea, and a very wise man responded to us with, “Any man’ll cheat if his heart ain’t right.” Ahhhh, the wisdom! If there’s a heart issue there, and ESPECIALLY if your relationship with the person began with them cheating on someone else to “be with” you, how can you expect something different? A real heart change needs to happen – from the inside, and not just to please you – before new behaviors will ensue.

If no heart change… one day… maybe not now, maybe not next week… maybe, as in Brad’s case, almost 12 years later… but one day… that crooked place that was lying deep in their heart will show up.

2. Don’t be an accuser. Our confession is powerful, and although many of us don’t like to admit it, other people do have influence on us. The Bible tells us that bad company corrupts good morals (1 Cor. 15:33 ESV). We often get the picture of a gang of mischievous kids hanging out with our child, trying to influence them to do drugs or steal. The fact is, the “bad company” doesn’t always have to be participating in the bad behavior. The bad behavior could be the sin of speaking negative things over you.

When we marry someone, we give them the position of “most influential (human) person” in our lives. If this person is consistently telling us we are a cheater, or accusing us of cheating, what fruit do you think those seeds will produce? If you don’t want your spouse to cheat on you (and I hope none of us do), don’t call them a cheater. This is called speaking curses over someone, and it can fall into the category of witchcraft. Call them faithful, trustworthy, honest and loving (to you). Doing this is speaking blessings over your spouse. You are confessing what you WANT over them, as opposed to what you don’t want.

John King wrote a book called “Deliverance for the Rebellious Child,” and talked about a time when his son just seemed like he COULD NOT do right… Minister King started speaking blessings over his child, telling him, “God has blessed you and had great plans for your future” (King 51). Even when he was sneaking out of the house, getting arrested, and doing drugs, he was saying what God said about his son, and not what the enemy wanted him to say. And do you know what? His son is a man of God today, helping others in their walk with God!

You have two choices: Convince your spouse that they are faithful and trustworthy, or convince them that they are a cheater. They will be affected by YOUR words. Which one do you want your spouse to be?

3. Don’t give them a reason. Whether we like it or not, we can push our spouse to cheat. The strongest of men (and women) may resist, but they will also be sad, hurting, and starving for love in their particular area of need. Two of the very basic needs of a man in marriage are sex and respect. If, as a wife, you are starving him of sex, he’s going to be hungry. This is not just a physical need. Your willingness to give your body to him tells him that he’s worth giving to: that he’s worthwhile. It makes him feel valued, which is an extremely important need for anyone. Even if he’s not getting love, respect, or feelings of value from his workmates, his career, or any of his outside associations, when you show him physical intimacy, it can be a therapeutic release for him. Nothing else matters, because he has (what translates to him as) the love of a good woman. When you grasp this revelation, the song “Sexual Healing” may never have the same meaning to you again.

In addition to a lack of sex, a lack of respect from his wife can make a man feel less-than, devalued, and emasculated. There is absolutely no excuse for someone to cheat. It is wrong, and their own decision, and they are fully responsible for their actions, HOWEVER, when your spouse feels that you have a low (or no) regard for them, and someone else “out there” thinks very highly of them, it is hard not to notice. They can associate good feelings with another person. Someone once said, “It is not how you feel about someone that makes you fall in them love with them, but how you feel about yourself when you’re around them.” This is a very powerful concept, even with its philosophical flaws. Strong feelings can develop for someone that makes you feel wonderful, builds you up, and ultimately increases your self-esteem. Yes, a good spouse wouldn’t even entertain these conversations. They would see the temptation and quickly cut it off, but when someone is starving, they gravitate toward food.

Ladies (and men), don’t let someone else feed your spouse. Keep them full. There is nothing bad that can come of you failing to point out all of their flaws and weaknesses. Your spouse needs your support, your admiration, and your love.

And he deserves it…whether he deserves it, or not. ;)
]]><![CDATA[​A Note On “Nagging”]]>Fri, 14 Oct 2016 01:15:30 GMThttps://www.nikiwinston.org/blog/a-note-on-nagging(A short excerpt from my book, How to Win Him and Keep Him Happy: Secrets to Becoming an AMAZING Wife)
Do not complain to him about the problem. Tell him once. He probably already knows anyway. My husband once told me that after I have told him something for the third time (pointed it out once, reminded him twice), it was nagging. I have held on to that since that time because I don’t want to make my husband feel as if I think he is too incompetent to get my message the first (or even second) time. Now, if I decide to tell him something a third time, I am making a conscious decision to make him feel NAGGED. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want that reputation. I want my husband to feel that everything I say is important, and if I use up my opportunities on complaining, degrading, or repeating my concerns about him, eventually I will dilute the importance of my words, in his opinion. As a result, he will start to listen less closely, rendering my opinions less and less important and impactful to him. In the end, I will lose his respect.
           
​After you have stated your concern once or twice, and he doesn’t change, pray for him, believing that he will change, forgiving and staying in faith for your husband. You will see change. God can change the heart of a king.
Learn More About Niki's Book
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