Co-Parenting, Children, Authority Figures, Church Folks & More: The Remainder of My Notes that I Didn't Get to from Fearless Conference

I recently spoke at the FEARLESS CONFERENCE for Gracious Women Ministry at Wheaton Christian Church in Wheaton, IL. I was asked to speak on relationships, including but not limited to blended families and finding love again, and I wasn't able to get to a good amount of my notes. I told the ladies that I would put the remainder on my blog so they could come back to it.

We started with a short teaching on love and righteousness and the need for both if we want healthy relationships. We were able to cover friendships, marriage and divorce. Below, please see: co-parenting, finding love again, blended families/step-parents, children, parents, authority figures, and church folks.  

CO-PARENTING
If there are children involved and dad is involved, you will have to co-parent.
Things you may encounter:

Different parenting philosophies. You will almost always have different parenting philosophies. Try to work out these differences, and a plan BEFORE the co-parenting and visits begin.

• Still hostility? This may be difficult if there is still hostility, but it is EXTREMELY important for the health of your children, so get a mediator if needed. This can be court appointed, someone you hire, or a non-partisan friend or minister that has the best interest of your children in mind.
• Once you make a plan, be flexible. If one of you wants change, never say no right away: James 1:19 “be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger.”

For those with especially difficult or controlling baby-daddies: Don’t take their threats seriously, don’t threaten & ignore their criticisms. KEEP YOUR COOL. It almost always blows over, especially if they don’t have money for legal counsel.

Love him like a brother in Christ! He’s hurting too (he just shows it differently).

• He also feels lost, alone, guilty, possibly ashamed.
• If he’s completely intolerable: pray from a distance (because your children need him to be better), and limit interaction to drop-off, pick-up and only other necessities.
• Get another person involved to help if needed.

SET BOUNDARIES!! You divorced because boundaries were either not set or not kept. In order for the cycle not to repeat, you must change what you allow – because now you’re in a position to do so.

• He’s no longer your husband. You’re not his anymore, so he shouldn’t be able (or allowed) to make you feel the same feelings that he used to when you were living with him and under his leadership. He’s no longer your leader.
• What is acceptable treatment from someone with whom you have no intimate relationship? For example, how do you allow strangers and co-workers to treat you? Start there. Same rules apply with him now. Once you’ve established healthy boundaries, you can begin to develop a better relationship.
• His opinion about your personal life is no longer valid (unless the relationship is very healthy and whole, and there is no new husband – in which case – perhaps consider reconciliation?)

 
FINDING LOVE AGAIN
There’s no magical formula to finding love again: you don’t need to “deserve it” or be “successful” or have some spiritual, soulical and natural checklist completed...
DO: Be seeking God’s will for your life, always pursuing wholeness, serving others selflessly, and the big one: LEARN LOVE LIKE YOU NEVER HAVE BEFORE!!! Be READY to love SACRIFICIALLY! Then God can send you someone who’s got a great purpose

• Because how can He trust you with someone else’s purpose/destiny if you can’t love them right?

 Other Important things to Note:

• Be flexible with your standards & expectations – When I met David, he was a college student working part-time as a trainer at a gym (and I didn’t know who his father was). But look at him now! What if I hadn’t given him a chance?

• Your love & influence can make or break your husband. Do you think he would’ve gotten to this place of wisdom, understanding, leadership, if I made him feel bad for his faults? Or agreed with him when he thought he wasn’t qualified for his work? Or even didn’t support him by encouraging some changes in order to really accomplish all God has for him to do?
• When I married this amazing man, I didn’t just marry his destiny. I married his faults, his broken places, and his insecurities, and it is my personal job and mission to fully participate in his development and his God-given destiny, whatever that means.

 
BLENDED FAMILY/STEP PARENTS
If we have children and are married to a man who is their stepfather:

Give him all of the respect due a father concerning your household.

• Expect him to perform as a father. If he wants you, he must also want your children.
• Encourage his involvement and respect and implement his ideas as a parent (think of Joseph & how Mary probably treated him).

Before marrying, sit down & discuss parenting philosophies.

• The one with more experience & training should have more to say and be given more respect.
• If the other does not give them this respect, it may be indicative of a lack of respect for them or their knowledge in general.

Prerequisite: BOTH should be willing to read, research, seek parent training TOGETHER. This should be a requirement BEFORE heading into the blended family environment.

• If you are already in a blended family, and this hasn’t happened. It’s not too late. Sit down and discuss on a date night or when the children aren’t around. Come up with a plan, write it down, move forward. This conversation is NOT a suggestion. Don’t wait until it IS too late and there is rebellion in the home because y’all couldn’t get it together.

Be open to stronger discipline. Many single moms are lighter on discipline because of lack of time and energy. A dad being in the house is a great thing, because there are now 2 parents to both LOVE the children and to DISCIPLINE… but be open to different types of discipline (not spanking only). PLEASE research this!

• This should be part of that parenting philosophy discussion.

Give proper respect due to the biological parent.

• They have something that child needs and can never be replaced by another person.
• They should have access to the child unless they are putting them in harm’s way - encourage visitation.
• Exception clause on respect: When they don’t deserve respect, but aren’t harming the child (according to DCFS standards) – Ex. Inappropriate movies/shows, video games, eating improperly
  1. Set the rules at your home – let them know you expect them to follow your rules at dad’s house. Let dad also know what the rules are. It’s his choice to follow them.
  2. Trust your children to obey.
  3. In MOST cases - not fair to discipline them for what they’ve done there that was not against dad’s rules.
  4. Immoral behavior, however, should ALWAYS be addressed.

If no biological father is present: Make sure dad understands the dynamic and importance of this role. He is the only male influence, and therefore has the entire responsibility of “father” on his shoulders. His actions, good or bad, are showing boys how to be men, and showing girls what to expect from a man.
*The same goes for stepmom if there is no biological mother present.

If you are the stepmom in a blended family:

• Follow and expect the same guidelines as above.
• Do your best to respect mom’s rules (bedtime, eating habits, HW, etc.).
• Love their mother with the love of Christ. Wholeheartedly, and wanting the best for her and her children.
  • If she is incapable of good mothering, still love her this way, while doing everything you can to fill in the gaps (training, love, etc...)
• Do discipline the children (appropriate consequences to the trespass).
• Do give them your unconditional love.
• Be the mom for them while they are in your household, but don’t require that they call you mom (for some children this feels like a betrayal and that resentment from them can get in the way of the relationship and training). THESE ARE YOUR CHILDREN TOO NOW!

 
CHILDREN
I just want to exhort in a few areas that I often see parents stress about unnecessarily:

2 most important jobs as a parent: That they FEEL unconditionally loved EVERY DAY no matter what, and to train them.

• Almost impossible to effectively train w/o LOVE. For the children, training is of utmost importance, but if they do not feel your unconditional love, proper training that sticks is virtually impossible.

• Recommend Gary Chapman book, 5 Love Languages of Children.

Your child will go through phases and changes. (Ex. Negativism, annoying stage, independence). One of the big ones: 13-15 years old.

• Boys: Extreme, impulsive, need constant oversight & discipline. They do grow out of it – It’s not your job to like them right now, but to love & TRAIN them.
• Girls: Experiencing insecurities (that you may not even understand) - and often a secret. Probe to find out, relate, listen, understand, let them know they are amazing, and continue to provide your unconditional love, focusing value on what matters in life.
• Don’t be discouraged. Phases pass. Never make them feel like your love is conditional on whether you approve of them or not. That is not God’s way. Romans 5:8 tells us He loved us while we were yet sinners, so much that He sent His own Son to die for us.

Prov. 22:6 If you train them in God’s way, COUPLED with unconditional love (this is implied in the scripture – because “the way that they should go” is the way of love – but not often emphasized), when they are old, they will not depart from it. 2 Things to note about this:

• It doesn’t say when they are young. It says when they are old. If your child is not there yet, continue to TRAIN and LOVE, and they will turn around. It is a promise from God. Acts 16:31 says that you AND your household will be saved if you believe (and entrust yourself to His keeping AMP – this implies obedience to His Word).
• THEIR CHRISTIANITY WILL NOT LOOK LIKE YOURS! And you have to be okay with that. If their salvation is secure, take heart and know that God will work out the kinks in THEIR relationship with Him.

Sexuality: Because of current climate, we have to take care in how we teach sexuality to our children. If you come too hard (or without understanding) about sexual identity, they may take that as you being hateful/unloving and rejecting their friends. This can cause them to resent Christianity and not believe.

• Approach this from the positive perspective of sexual purity, how God intended these relationships & marriage, and anything outside of THAT isn’t pure. Show them what is good. What is not acceptable should be clear from that conversation, but encourage them to ask questions if they are not clear. Don’t get angry or judge. Explain, in love.
• It’s also a good idea by middle school to talk openly (but privately – 1 child at a time) about sexual confusion and its roots, especially molestation and non-consensual sexual encounters. Sometimes just understanding WHY you feel what you feel can set you free from it. 
• Many children have experienced unwanted sexual encounters and experience such shame from it (especially from the arousal) that they don’t tell. But it can cause unwanted exploration and sexual confusion if left unaddressed. DON’T IGNORE THIS TOPIC WITH YOUR CHILDREN.

 
PARENTS
Ephesians 6:2-3 “Honor your father and mother,” which is the first commandment with promise: 3 “that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.”
This is a beautiful promise! Hold onto it tightly! (NT scripture verifies that it’s still valid under the New Covenant)
If you are a child v. 1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.

1. If you are out of your parents’ home: Honor. Not obey.
2. Children, obey.
3. Adults in the home: Honor, by respecting their wishes and house rules (which is basically choosing obedience - submission). It will ultimately bless YOU (and keep you from getting kicked out).

 
AUTHORITY FIGURES
Ephesians 6:5-8 Bondservants, be obedient to those who are your masters according to the flesh, with fear and trembling, in sincerity of heart, as to Christ; 6 not with eye service, as men-pleasers, but as bondservants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart, 7 with goodwill doing service, as to the Lord, and not to men, 8 knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord, whether he is a slave or free.

​1 Tim. 6:1 Let as many bondservants as are under the yoke count their own masters worthy of all honor, so that the name of God and His doctrine may not be blasphemed.

Honor them. Do what they asked, because they asked. Not because they deserve your respect (and not in fear and trembling of THEM), but because of a reverent and worshipful fear of the Lord. Because God asked you to. Because you love God and honor HIM, so you’ll bless and glorify His name. And do it with a happy heart that is a BLESSING to your boss, ministry leader, whatever authority figure you’re serving – lose the ‘tude and do all things in love and honor as unto the Lord.
 
CHURCH FOLKS (Ugh…church folks…right? No! Wrong!)
1 Cor. 12:27 says we’re the body of Christ. . If Jesus is the head, what is the church? His body. Jesus’ body is still Jesus.

• If you aren’t loving those in the Church properly – even the least & the unlovable – you aren’t loving Jesus right.

But what if they’re against you?
Luke 6:35-36 But love your enemies, do good, and lend, [a]hoping for nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High. For He is kind to the unthankful and evil. 36 Therefore be merciful, just as your Father also is merciful.
​
Apply that to HATERS also, in and out of the Church…
v. 37-38 “Judge not, and you shall not be judged. Condemn not, and you shall not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. 38 Give, and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you.”

This is for all relationships: In and out of the church, friends, enemies, marriage, even with our children, and parents.

• We reap what we sow!

Let’s keep reading, this time back to our brothers and sisters in Christ:
v. 41-42 And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not perceive the plank in your own eye? 42 Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me remove the speck that is in your eye,’ when you yourself do not see the plank that is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck that is in your brother’s eye.
 
LOVING WELL OUR BROTHERS IN CHRIST:
Everyone is in some stage of their Christian development. When we concern ourselves with our own (planks), we can get to the levels where we see that our Christianity is no longer about us, but about others. What is it that they need? How can I love and serve them? Then we see that Christian relationship is not about judgement or pointing out the flaws of others. It’s about lifting others higher, about loving discipleship, and helping to restore them to a position of righteousness and wholeness in Christ.